


Even Dead, Im The Hero

by chaoticsaff (mini_gh0st)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: SPOILER WARNING: includes major spoilers for ffh, Sad Peter Parker, Yes Steve Rogers is old, he is baby, it hurt too much im soRRY, mid credit scene does not happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-24 07:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19719421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mini_gh0st/pseuds/chaoticsaff
Summary: {SPOILER WARNING: CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR FAR FROM HOME}( basically, avert your eyes if you havent been able to cry over ffh yet ;)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Peter hasnt slept since London.Instead hes been staring at the ceiling for hours in the darkness, flinching at the sound of a car door several streets away. Hes been checking his room once, twice, and again for something he fears is there.Peter hasnt eaten since London.Instead hes been throwing up at the sight of food, he couldnt try and eat even if he wanted to. Hes been pushing it away, its not like he could trust anything on his plate anyway.Peter hasnt been without Edith since London.Instead hes kept her with him, the glasses resting lightly on the bridge of his nose. Calmly speaking to him whenever he asked her something. Peter could trust Edith, she could never lie to him like everyone else could."Hey Edith? Is this real?""Yes Peter, that is real."Because Peter hasnt been able to tell whats real or not since London.Instead, hes been asking Edith.





	1. Hey E.D.I.T.H?

**Author's Note:**

> {SPOILER WARNING: warning you guys again this fic contains ffh SPOILERS so if you havent watched click away now!}  
> This fic doesnt include the mid credit scene and it does not exist in this fic (mainly because im still recovering :))
> 
> Anyway i didnt know when to actually post this since the movie just came out but i had this idea and couldnt wait any longer. That aside the movie was so good im still crying so why not make a fic to cry to even more.
> 
> Enjoy and pls leave comments with any kind criticism, thanks!

_"I want you to look at yourself"_

_He stared into the reflection, several bodies pooling out in front of him in the same suit, mimicking his movements, staring straight back at him with the same wide eyed expression. But, it didnt feel like him. He was looking at someone else, a different Spider-Man. This wasnt him was it? Outstretching his hand, reaching towards the stranger looking back at him, getting closer and closer._

_Until it gripped onto him, red gloved fingers wrapping around his wrist, and then more and more, gripping tighter and tighter. Feet running towards him, bodies coming from all sides crushing him to the floor. He couldnt breathe, his thoughts clouding, eyes shut tightly, he needed to get out, now, now, please-_

_"You're just a scared little kid,_

_Please, please let me out, let me go._

_"In a sweatsuit."_

_Alone, Cold. Each rapid breath warming the soft fabric of his mask. Soft. Blue sweats, red hoodie, Aunt Mays fabric softener. Stumbling backwards, the eyes behind his goggles frantically searching for a way out in the shadows. Its cold. Red gloves, old trainers. His first ever suit, Sweatsuit-_

_'Youre just a scared little kid in a sweatsuit Peter Parker.'_

_\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Hazel eyes shot open to the white paint of his closet door, illuminated by the single ray of sunlight bursting through a crack in his curtains. From his position on the floor, he could see small particles of dust float calmly over the beam of light. Sweat travelled slowly down his face, plastering his hair to his forehead in swirling patterns, his chest felt tight, sticking firmly to his hoodie. Hands grasping at the thin fabric to alleviate the pressure, the pain, breathe, he needed to breathe.

_Right, breathe Peter. Come on you know how to breathe._

Slowly taking in air, he regained his senses one by one. Hearing, taste, smell, seeing and feeling everything but nothing in under ten seconds. Until it settled to a tolerable level. 

_E.D.I.T.H. The Stark Tech where did i put it._

Stretching out his legs from the cramped position on the hard wooden floor, he gradually stood and began his search for the Stark Tech. Haphazardly throwing pillows and shirts as well as shuffling books and Lego models around his desk. Eventually spotting the glasses and grasping them tightly, rushing to place them quickly onto the bridge of his nose, staring out into his room as the calming whirr of the tech began. 

"Welcome back Peter, what can i do for you?" E.D.I.T.H's voice coursed soothingly through the air as he released a breath he wasn't aware of holding.

"Hah, yeah hey E.D.I.T.H. Can you tell me what the time is p-please?" 

He knew the clock on his phone said 9:14AM but he couldn't trust it, he couldn't trust much on his phone these days. Keeping it only for emergencies, what emergencies he didn't really know. Maybe it was because he felt guilty, each time he turned it on it was filled with missed calls and unanswered texts in some variation of "are you okay?". Secretly he guessed he liked the fact they cared so much when he didn't reply. It made him feel a little better, even if only briefly. 

_They forget about you within the hour Peter. Don't be so trusting, you know what happened last tim-_

"The time is 9:14AM Peter."

"T-thanks E.D.I.T.H."

Removing the glasses and hooking them into the band of his jeans he rubbed his eyes, dragging his fingers slowly down his face. Two days since London and it felt like seconds but a lifetime too. Like he was stuck between reminiscing and living in that exact moment on the bridge, that exact moment he saw himself but, it wasnt him. When he could breathe and he was just a scared little boy in a sweatsuit. 

_Would it be a moment if it wasn't real Peter? Was it real?_

He shook his head. It couldn't have been real, he didn't want it to be. If that was real then he must've seen Tony, Beck would've been right when he said-

_"If you were good enough maybe Tony would still be alive."_

No, no, no. Its not real, he was good enough. Would Tony really still be alive.. H-he couldn't be a failure. No.

_You don't want to be a failure, do you? Everyone can tell, they'll know that it was YOU that killed Iron Man, Tony died because of you. You don't want that Peter. Don't let them see you. They wont ever want to be around you, no one will. People don't like murdere-_

He slammed his fist onto the desk breath quickening and catching in his throat as he held back sobs,

"SHUT UP. Shut up. Just shut up... Please" Stumbling and catching himself on the windowsill, eye clamped shut.

Pausing for a moment as he attempted to stop the flow of salty tears behind his eyelids, threatening to spill over. Opening them only when a small knock came from the door behind him.

"Peter? Are you okay?" Aunt Mays soft voice peeped through the widening crack in the door.

_Run. Leave. She knows, she could lie to you._

"Y-yeah Aunt May i'm fine, its fine. Just- N-Nothing to worry about!" Peter called out, turning his head towards the door to see his Aunt slowly pushing her head through the gap of the door.

"Okay, i just heard a crash that's all. I've got to go to work but i'll be back soon, maybe we can talk about heading back to school once my shift is over?" She questioned, putting on a supportive grin in hopes to encourage him.

"S-sounds good, talk to you when you get b-back. See y-you later." He grinned back, inner panic rising at the thought of going back to school.

_You cant go back, not when they could know. What if they figure it out?_

Aunt May grinned back, leaving the bedroom doorway to head to work. Leaving Peter alone for another day, thinking of the events that happened 48 hours ago. Over and over until it drove him to anger, sadness or exhaustion.

He sighed, falling onto his bed and staring at the ceiling with thoughts, sounds and worries floating and running through his mind. Taking E.D.I.T.H out of his waistband and putting them on, hearing her warm welcome, he thought before asking a question.

"E.D.I.T.H, do you think- Did i fail Tony?"

"I don't understand Peter. I would not have been given to you if you had failed."

"Y-yeah i know but, did i fail him? As a person. n-not an avenger or whatever."

"I'm afraid i'm unable to answer that for you," the tech replied "would you like me to ask the web?"

"N-no thanks its okay. I don't think i can answer that either," He said to nobody in particular, anybody that would listen. Which, right now, wasn't really anybody..

_I can listen to you Peter._


	2. Falling... And Falling... And falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter was busy looking for things to distract him, pass the time, instead of getting lost in his head. 
> 
> He couldn't sit on the kitchen counter and stare at the clock forever. Even E.D.I.T.H was starting to sound aggravated at his constant asking of the time. His mind wandered to his suit, patrolling like he used to. Having fun being the 'friendly neighbour hood spider-man'
> 
> But even that isnt easy to think about anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried another chapter to see how many different ways i can go with this, i dont now if its gonna be a little too confusing so if it is please let me know and i'll give it another shot :)
> 
> Anyways enjoy and pls leave comments so i know how to improve for you guys!
> 
> have a nice week/weekend

"The time is 5:27 PM Peter." 

It must have been the fiftieth time he'd asked E.D.I.T.H that same question, 'Hey, E.D.I.T.H whats the time?" And its always the same answer. Not the time he wants it to be. He'd been watching the clock in the kitchen tick towards 8:30 PM, waiting for May to come home. Sitting on the kitchen counter just, waiting. It was just so boring being in the flat all alone. Sure, he could go out but... it would be too dangerous. Something could happen while he was out, Mysterio could come back or even some other villain. Without his suit it would be-

His suit.

Laughing aloud he tried to push the thought out. Muttering to himself, "Don't be stupid Peter your suit is broken remember?" The battle in London left it in tatters, burn marks and rips scattered across the material. It would be little use to anyon-

  
"I believe Happy has left a replica of your suit in your closet Peter." 

Peter jumped at the unexpected voice of E.D.I.T.H, who he'd actually forgot he was wearing. Falling off of the kitchen counter and catching his footing on the wooden floor, his eyebrows knitted together in momentary confusion. Regaining his thoughts and processing the words the Stark Tech had just told him, he ran towards his room. Feet pounding on the weak, creaky wooden floorboards. Sliding the closet door open he looked down to see a large metal box containing almost the exact same suit he'd made in a mad rush over a flower field in the Netherlands.

It doesn't sound all too believable when you recall it aloud.

The suit itself looked pristine, folded neatly and staring straight back at him through a glass panel, incorporated into the exterior of the box. It reminded him of the Iron Spider suit Tony had given to him, unwillingly, as he shot into space. Not the most ideal way to give a gift but Mr Stark didn't do 'ideal'. Peter had learnt that the hard way.

A small brown tag was tied to the handle of the box, black bold handwriting written across it. Kneeling on the floor, he lifted the tag carefully, the rough cardboard sliding between his fingers as he read the words left for him.

_"YOU'RE STILL AN AVENGER, SO YOU MIGHT NEED THIS BACK. TONY BELIEVES IN YOU" - H."_

Staring at the words he read and re-read it over and over. Happy meant well with the message but it didn't sit right with Peter. It stirred in his stomach leaving him feeling sick and... bitter. What if he didn't want to be an Avenger? What if he _couldn't_ be? How can he be so sure that Tony believed in him, he isn't here anymore. Spider-man is just a kid. Peter Parker is just a kid an.. and Tony knew that... just a.. a kid. 

I'm just a..

_You told me you were just a kid._

_\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_A high-school hallway stretched out in front of him, lockers lining the walls as far as the eye could see. He needed this to slow down, he couldn't think right. Where was all this coming from? Strung up hallway lights clattered down, tugging on the cords they hung from as if they wanted to escape. The dim light lit the hallway, showing posters on the faded white walls, lockers littered with stickers and footprints marking the floor. Footsteps followed the falling lights and Mysterio appeared from shadows of the corridor. Walking in pace as the lights came from above him_

_"You told me you were just a kid."_

_Peter shuffled backwards, his heart pounding in his ears as the man came closer and closer. Panic set in as he threw his webs out towards the figure. Instead of a cascade of webs, thick green smoke shot out from his wrists, shrouding Mysterio with the smokey substance._

_The hallway became eerily silent. Turning his head frantically, Peter couldn't spot his target, or any target at all, his legs shaking and buckling under the fear of the unknown. The fear of not being able to tell what was real and what wasn't._

_"You told me.."_

_Mysterios voice rang out behind him, spinning around to see the villains misted mask centimetres away from his own. Air caught in his throat as he sucked in a shaky breath._

_"..You wanted to run after that girl."_

_Peters body moved before his mind could catch up, throwing a red gloved punch towards his tormentor, its destination ending in slamming into a concrete wall instead of Mysterio himself._

_Sharp throbs shot through his fist, tears welling up behind his mask as the solid rock crumbled away to his feet. Nursing the damaged hand, Peter blinked the tears away, trying to focus on what was going on. It wasn't real. It-_

_"HELP ME!"_

_MJ. It couldn't be anyone else. His head shot up towards a metal door left ajar, sprinting through it before he hand the chance to think about how real the voice was or even where it was coming from. Bursting through the entrance he stumbled on a cold iron flooring. Barely skidding to a halt to prevent falling off of a ledge and into a black abyss, expanding for miles below him. His confusion cleared as he familiarised himself with the metal building. The building being the Eiffel Tower. Why was he here? His eyes landed on the figure that had joined him._

_"Peter, whats going on?"_

_Curly hair, dark eyes, lifted brows in an expression only reading as fear. MJ's wide eyes stared into his own, silently begging him for help. God he wanted to hel- No. It wasn't real. Beck couldn't trick him. A pounding set into his head, closing his eyes to the scenes in front of him, he didn't want to see it anymore. It wasn't real._

_"I know this isn't real." He spoke aloud to Mysterio, to the abyss below, to MJ._

_"Do you though?"_

_Opening his eyes to Becks hands tightening over MJ's neck as he lifted her higher and higher, her feet leaving the floor and hovering over the nothingness below, kicking out to grab at anything. It looked so real, felt so real._

_It wasn't real._

_But he thought so, running towards them in a desperate bid to reach MJ. Closer, closer, you're almost there. He leapt forwards, throwing a hand out, hoping to grab her. His hand swiping through thin air, a mortifying scream embedding itself into his ears, he watched her fall. And Peter fell with her._

_Staring up at the tower now, quickly becoming smaller and smaller as he travelled through the darkness. Slowly closing his eyes he settled into the twisted peace of the wind whipping past his ears. Falling... and falling... and falling. Deeper and deeper into the abyss. Maybe nothing was the best for him, nothing was what he needed, what he wanted. The quietness of nothing. The peac-_

_The air was crushed from his lungs, back hitting a hard and cold surface. Head smashing against the floor, making the world spin around him, lights fleeting past. Red, yellow, white, blue. All merging into one as they flew across like shooting stars. Maybe he should make a wish._

_He wished for nothingness._

_"I don't think you know whats real, Peter."_

_\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

The closet came back into view, the box sitting right where it was minutes before. No more spinning, no shooting stars, Peter found himself in his room again. The hallway gone and no Eiffel tower in sight. Yet his breathing refused to slow, sweat dripping from his hair as he shifted his weight from where he sat, leaning back on his hands. Hazel eyes bore into the suit, the tag.

_YOU'RE STILL AN AVENGER, SO YOU MIGHT NEED THIS BACK. TONY STILL BELIEVES IN YOU._

The note reminded him of the one left in E.D.I.T.Hs casing. The last ever gift Mr Stark had given to him,

_For the next Tony Stark._

He remembered how he'd just given the glasses away as if they were nothing. How Peter had thought Beck would be the next Tony when really, he was far from it. That Tony's last gift to him, his own legacy was used to destroy things, not save them.

Looking back at the suit he pushed E.D.I.T.H further onto his nose and asked one simple question,

"E.. E.D.I.T.H is this suit really from Happy?"

His breath caught in his throat as he awaited the answer. The fear slowly building up as every second passed, Beck couldn't have made the suit. He..he was dead. Beck is gone and wont, couldn't trick anyone anymore. 

Maybe Peter was trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

"This suit was replicated and placed here by Happy. Would you like me to call him to confirm Peter?"

Breath released, the throbbing of his heart slowed slightly at the confirmation. Still, the idea of calling Happy and making sure... No, he'd be busy.. Another time maybe,"Um, no.. no i'll call him later. Thanks.

His attention turned back to his boredom. Gazing at the window before returning to his superhero facade lying neatly in the box. May wasn't home yet.. He'd only be a few hours.. Queens might need its 'friendly neighbour hood Spider-man'. He checked the clock, making sure he'd be back in time. The ticking tech didn't convince him so he asked, once again,

"Hey E.D.I.T.H, whats the time?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaa sorry if its too confusing, there will be a lot of flashbacks in this fic. If it gets a lil muddled just let me know and i can always try again :)
> 
> Anyways hope you enjoyed, next chapter should be soon. Let me know what you thought in the comments!
> 
> Have a nice week/weekend!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed and if you want updates let me know!
> 
> Also i havent spell checked yet so if you find any mistakes let me know and i'll fix them asap :)
> 
> I dont know when im gonna be updating but i'll try my best since school is over in just over a week so i should have time but till then i hope you have a nice week/weekend!


End file.
